What are boundaries?
Boundaries are like the invisible fences we build around ourselves, creating a safe space for our emotional, physical, and mental well-being. They act as guiding lines, helping us preserve our sense of self and navigate our interactions with others. Think of them as the unspoken rules that shape the chapters of our lives, defining the limits that protect, nurture, and ultimately contribute to the stories we create in relationships, at work, and in the spaces, we call our own.
The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to tell people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. The first step is to know that it is our responsibility to teach others how to treat us. Learning to set boundaries is vital to learning to love ourselves, and to communicate to others that we are worthy. Boundaries are a vital part of healthy relationships and self-esteem.
Here are a few signs that you have struggled with setting boundaries, and it is something that you've struggled with in the past:
· Have a difficult time sticking to your own beliefs.
· Struggle to follow through on assertions.
· Feel as if you're living someone else's life.
· Feel like you're not being validated or accepted no matter how hard you try.
· Have a hard time saying NO.
· Trying to please others.
· Have a hard time speaking up for yourself and others.
· Have a hard time putting yourself first.
Four Steps to Setting Boundaries:
The first thing that we need to learn to do is communicate without blaming. Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control the other person (although some of the people who you set boundaries with may accuse you of that - just as some may interpret it as a threat) - it is a part of the process of defining ourselves and what is acceptable to us.
1. Say no, and give your reason for saying no.
2. Repeat “no” and remind them why you said no.
3. Let them know the consequences of them continuing their behaviour.
4. Act on the consequences/ follow through.
There should never be any emotional charge, such as anger or vengeance when we set a boundary. We should never make the other person feel bad, wrong, or dirty. As with most things, including new boundaries, it's important to remember that with time everyone will settle into and get used to the new way of being in the world.